Used to Be

I have no idea if anyone reads my blog anymore. It's been so long since I opened this thing which is kind of sad considering that writing used to be one of my passions. The key phrase there is "used to be." I used to be a lot of things. Something happened over the past 5 years and there are several parts of me that I lost somewhere along the way. Not all the things I lost, do I regret. I gained many things as well. I gained a job, house, husband, baby boy, friendships, passions, talents, connections, and experiences. All of these things are just a small glimpse of the things that have brought me a lot of gratitude in this life. The things that I regret losing are the small things that made Ashlie, Ashlie. I used to golf all the time, had a cup of coffee with a Beth Moore Bible study every morning, had unusual joy from organizing my closet and drawers. I used to have a budget that financial advisors would envy, I would laugh at pretty much everything. I used to be called very "consistent" because I was never moody or emotional. I used to love listening to music and losing track of time at a coffee shop as I read and wrote.

Like most Christians, I've had my seasons where I was more passionate about God than others. I "used to be" addicted to my relationship with him. Somewhere along the way, HE became less of a priority. I say this, not because it's okay to feel that way or act that way, but only to expose the ignorance of my rationality. What happened in my life when all my stress, all the pressures of this life, all my pain and burdens were better figured out by me than forgotten when given to God? It's foolish to believe that with my own strength I can have hope. There are too many situations in this life that cause us to feel hopeless. Not many people know my story from age 14 to 28 but it's full of hopeless situations. Some  have given birth to life in a way that I could have never dreamed up myself. Others are still standing in line, hoping to catch a break. Yes, some hope is hoping for a break.

The part of me that "used to be" that I wish was never a phrase in my vocabulary is: I used to be fully reliant on God.

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I would try to pay my bills, have hope in hopeless situations, get through hell, figure myself out, give to others, be a wife and mom, plan for the future, stay committed and smile... all without the help of God. I'm here to say...that's impossible. It is literally and completely impossible. I have trouble smiling all the time because I feel little hope. But if I put my hope in the situations around me then I will not be inspired to have faith or inspiration that things will get any better. I'm sick of thinking "I used to be" in love with God, or a good Christian, or a positive person, or a wise person at that. I want to be all of those things. It will cost me very little in exchange for everything. It will cost me exchanging laziness for intentionality. Bitterness for a commitment. May the Lord meet with me again and allow us to exchange words and a relationship that is far overdue. May He not be someone I know so much about and believe in but rather someone I know personality and believe I can't live without.

May the "used to be" Ashlie, BE Ashlie again.