I'm back!

It has been far too long since I last wrote anything. When I was single, I used to write like a mad woman. My journals were always filling up and my blogs were always updated. It used to be a passion of mine and it's one that I'm going to start bringing back. If you're wondering what inspired me, it was my dog. Seriously. I was walking around my bedroom telling my dog about my thoughts. I was venting to him and then figuring out solutions at the same time. Since I'm an internal processor it kind of freaked me out. Partly because I'm talking to a dog and secondly because I obviously have a heart full of things that need to get off my heart. When my dog looks at me and then tilts his head to the left when I say, "do you know what I mean Bear?" then I knew I had probably reached a low point worth some comedic value.

I work in an office of extroverts. I am literally the only introverted individual on my team. I have to work hard to not reach for my headphones and tune out the world as I work. I'm a driven person. When I want something or see something that needs to be done, consider it accomplished. I'm orderly. If my house has too many things laying around or dishes in the sink, it makes me feel strangely stressed out. I'm intentional with my words. It's incredibly hard for me to say things that I don't mean. My husband hates and loves this about me. When I compliment him he knows I'm not blowing smoke and then if he doesn't hear something positive from me it can be discouraging to him.

I say all of this not so that you can get to know me but because I have been struggling to find the best form of myself. I've been married for almost 6 months now and it has been battle to find out who I really am. I won't sugar coat this. Too many people don't admit that they struggle in their first year of marriage. For me, I feel like the best and the worst sides of me have come out in these short months. I've had many times when I couldn't believe I just said something so terrible and other moments when I knew I had used my gifts to bring life into our marriage. But I battle my identity a lot. I called an old friend of mine who got married right before I did. Hoping to bond with her I asked how they were doing. Her response was, "I can't believe I get to live with my best friend. It's so much fun! I just adore him and everything he does. Marriage is just so amazing. We never fight and I'm so excited to lay next to him every night." I quickly hung up the phone feeling like a failure and not to mention wanting to spit out the throw-up in my mouth. Is that what marriage is supposed to be like? I adore my husband and I love him more than any other person on Earth but I don't think it's normal to not have some deep, deep struggles. It would be refreshing if people would just be honest. I think premarital counseling is a great a idea. But a better idea is to have 1 year counseling. Young couples need to know what to do when things get hard. The struggles in my marriage will look way different than the struggles in others. When you get married, lots of things come out. You learn the truth about the other person.

The key thing that I want to say is don't forget about who you are and who you are in Christ. That has been my biggest failure. When I was single, it was me and God all the way! He was everything to me! Goodness gracious I was so in love with Christ. I had an hour with Him every day when I woke up and then more time with Him when I went to bed. I was obsessed! When I got married, He took a back seat. Distractions both good and bad got in my way. That's just me being honest. God tells in Revelation 3:15-16, "I know your deeds and that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth." In other words, God despises it! If I know who I am in Christ, if I'm sure about my spiritual gifts and if I have a rich relationship with Christ, I can guarantee that the struggles in my marriage would seem so small. Think about any relationship you have whether it be with your spouse, someone you're dating, a family member, etc, it took WORK to make it what it is. You had to spend time with that person, have lots of meaningful conversations, sacrifice plans to be spend time with them, give them your best and let them do the same for you. It was vulnerable, even tiresome at times. I believe God created us to be relational beings with others so that we could understand that we are created in His image and therefore we need to understand the importance of building that relationship with Him. Relationships are not easy. But God is the only person that will NEVER let you down. If you're going to have a relationship with someone you should start by trusting the one being who will never fail you, leave you, forsake you or hold a grudge against you.

I want to fall in love with this God again. I want to be obsessed with Him like I was as a single woman. I know that He can repair build and encourage me the way no one or anything else can. When we are healthy and whole in the sight of God, he will take care of your other relationships. We serve a good God. One who loves us so much! You will find your confidence and your identity when you have an established, beautiful, loving relationship with Christ. At that point, it won't matter if your process things internally or externally. The only thing that matters is that you trust God, you love Him and you know He's always in control.

Find God and you'll find yourself.