Illusion of Intimacy

April 30, 2009

Tonight I had the incredible opportunity to talk to some friends about a topic that no one seems to be a true expert on: dating. In this group of two godly guys and one of my amazing roommates, we were able to discuss some topics very openly and honestly. 

 

I expressed to this small group of people that what I truly value in a man is leadership. I’m not trying to over spiritualize this topic. I’m addressing the importance of leadership in it’s simplest form: a man who can honor a woman and in essence, honors Christ. What’s the rush? Why run into a relationship so quickly? Every human being who desires to be in a relationship has this desire to be known... or maybe it’s just me. There is so much to be said for the man who pursues the friendship of a woman with intentions of appreciating her as a human being. I know that I, personally, desire to know the man that I’m with. I want to know everything about him. I want to get to know him, his dreams, what he got in trouble for as a kid, how he reacts when someone cuts him off while driving, why he likes the sunset more than the sunrise, his ambitions, his spiritual convictions... and the ability to talk about any and all subjects together. That, to me, is the picture of companionship in dating that will transition into a healthy companionship in marriage if the Lord wills. 

In addition, the next point is the physical aspect of dating. Kissing, hand holding, cuddling, long hugs, back rubs, etc all give the Illusion of Intimacy. It’s this false impression of something that is meant for a man and woman in the union of marriage who are committed to each other to give of themselves and make the other person feel valued, loved and adored. When you begin to place high importance on the physical aspect of dating you speed up a process that needs a set of breaks. Your heart, your mind, your emotions and desires for this person are now blurred with feelings which are more often than not, impure. It’s not a statement of judgement, only truth. How you accept this reality is up to you but as I’ve experienced time and time again, when I’m physical with a man in any form that I listed above, something happens; priority is altered; respect is replaced with adoration; feelings are heightened. I’m not interested in creating a legalistic viewpoint. I understand there are boundaries that each couple chooses to set for themselves. 

There is not a text book for dating; mostly because the Bible never addresses the topic. The Word does say, however, 3 different times in Song of Songs (2:7, 3:5, 8:4) , “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” I tend to take the Bible pretty seriously but when God repeats Himself, I like to take note of what He’s trying to say. This book is portrayed as a story between a girl and King Solomon, although some scholars and historians believe that it’s the story of God and the people of Israel. Other’s believe it’s indicative of the love of Christ and His bride, the church. No matter how you read the verses, the message is still the same. It’s one of the closest pictures we have to a standard of love and passion before marriage. 

In the mix of leadership, friendship and the physical aspect, there is also another key issue: values. This little number here has drowned me in tears at night. Explanation: values are something that most people try to forget when they find someone they’re attracted to, infatuated by and enjoy being around. Here’s a challenge, if you don’t already have a very sure set of personal values, figure them out. I’ll give you a personal example; ambition is a high, high value of mine. It’s important to me personally, as well as a key element I look for in a man. I won’t share the intimacy of why this is for the sake of keeping things private but this character trait is gold to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people try to talk me out of placing high priority on this issue for the sake of, “he’s such guy though.” Another example: laughter. Laughter is huge to me! Whether my mate makes me laugh or we can laugh together, or both, this is a very major value for very real reasons. I’m not suggesting that people make a “list” that they want their future mate to match up to, although this has been a very productive and wonderful thing for many individuals. More importantly, if you can at least look into your own heart, your life and into your spirit and ask the question, “what do I value most” you will find what unlocks, excites and moves you. You will have something to measure your dating relationships by that can take out some of the confusion that seems to guide people into unsuccessful relationships. 

Have I successfully dated anyone? Nope. I have failed in every dating relationship I’ve been a part of. I also measure this failure by how I approach God at the start of a dating pursuit. If I find that I avoid God with the relationship and withhold my prayers to lay it down at His feet... there’s a big warning sign. When the Lord places something on your heart and you don’t bring it before Him, it’s disobedience. How many relationships have I ruined because I acted in selfishness and not in His Will? However, if I find that I talk to God about a relationship, give it to Him from the start, He always seems to guide with peace and gives me discernment. It is not until very recently that God has transformed my perspective on dating. It’s a beautiful time in the lives of two people to learn, appreciate, form a bond and connection, a friendship and a pursuit that has the opportunity to glorify Christ. I pray that someday, when I walk into a marriage I will know that I honored my Savior by honoring and respecting my mate in that courting season. I thank Him for walking me through this journey and helping me to grow in my understanding of Himself.