Ducks

Ill be honest, I don't have a ton of inspirational or encouraging things to say tonight. My life is hard right now. Its down -right tough. My pastor said it best at church when he said that "Doubt is the beginning of faith...not the end." I don't doubt the existence of God but I often doubt that there's more to my life than what I see now. But I must believe that my faith is just beginning and God has a beautiful plan for my life. So many things have happend to me and I've fallen victim to so much pain. I've had moments when I doubted that things would get better. And they always did and it strengthened my faith. After each major life-changing event, my faith grew because the obstacles got bigger. I didn't realize this fact until I made a time line. I'm amazed at how the hand of God is all over my life. He's not an after thought, He's everything. He's the reason why I am the way I am...which hopefully is a good thing.

But I'm human and I've learned that humans don't appreciate it when people act like they have it all together. So this post is for those humans who want a little raw. I was told by someone from church that the reason they didn't really want to be friends or get to know me was because they thought I was perfect. When I shared my story, they were floored. I became relatable...we'll just put it that way.

I had my seasons where I was angry with God. This isn't particularly one of them. My question for God now is "when." Which is also another word for the word "redemption." When will my season of redemption come? Things just suck right now. My health is poor, my appetite is gone, I feel like I have the flu and I'm constantly tired. The last 5 months of my life have been the hardest, most devestating months to date. Even worse than losing my dad. The pain and devestation isn't financial, spiritual or physical: it's emotional. I believe I'm a a strong person. I'm extremely good at compartmentalizing my life. So it's upsetting when I can't do that right now. I try but it's not working. That annoys me so much!

I'm thankful for the grace that people have given me lately. And I'm even more thankful that God is patient with me. He's waiting for me to just stop holding onto all this garbage and let Him take it. Beth Moore once talked about how she saw these ducks hanging out in this little dirt puddle on the sidewalk. They were lucky to get any water on their feathers as they tried to splash around. It was a pathetic little puddle. But just a few yards away, there was a gorgeous, clean, crips, vast lake. If they would just look up they would see it. That's how I describe myself right now. I'm self-aware enough to know I'm being stubborn because I'm really comfortable in my dirty little puddle. But if I would just look up, I could experience a refreshment and a life that will be more joyful, more clean, more promising, rich and blessed than I could ever imagine. I think we can sometimes get stuck in a rut and we have our head down because we're afraid that if we look up we won't see anything and it'll crush our dreams. Sometimes the sun is kind of bright at first and it takes a minute to adjust our eyes but there's always a fresh big lake if we'll look up and not down.

That'll preach.